SARINA ANGEL CUOCO - Online Memorial Website

MY DARLING SARINA,,,,,,,,"HAPPY BIRTHDAY",,TODAY IS YOUR 22ND BIRTHDAY,  I MISS YOU SO, MY LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME WITHOUT YOU,,,,,,I MISS YOU EVERY MINUTE OF EVERYDAY,,,THE MINUTE I OPEN MY EYES IN THE MORNING , YOU'RE THE FIRST THOUGHT  THAT COMES TO MIND,, , I WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING TO HELP YOU, AS I HAD DONE SO MANY TIMES IN THE PAST........YOU WERE A SWEET, SPECIAL LITTLE GIRL WHO I ADORED,,,,,,AND WHO ALWAYS MADE ME FEEL LOVED,,,,,,ISABELLA REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF YOU, SHE HAS YOUR PERSONA, BIG BEAUTIFUL BROWN EYES, AND IS LOVING JUST LIKE YOU,,,,,I CAN SEE IN MY MINDS EYE, YOUR VERY LIFE, A SLIDE SHOW, ONE AT A TIME, AS I THINK OF YOU...LIFE HAS CHANGED DRASTICALLY IN OUR FAMILY,AND DOUBLFUL IT WILL EVER BE ANY DIFFERENT.......SO I MOURN  OUR FAMILY AS WELL AS YOU,,,,,,, MY HEART IS AILING AND I WILL SPEND THE REST OF MY DAYS WITH A PIECE OF MY HEART MISSING,,,THAT PIECE IS  "YOU"....NEVER TO BE REPLACED,,,,,,,SARINA, I WILL   LOVE YOU FOREVER, AND BE WITH YOU FOREVER,,,,,,,.I WILL ALWAYS BE "YOUR BROKEN HEARTED NANA"

HAPPY BIRTHDAY My Beautiful Baby Girl - Today you would have been 22 years old. Every time I think I just had the most difficult day of my life, another one comes my way.

I feel like nothing without you. You are in my every thought; everything is you. I just don't know how I'm going to live without you.

I was getting a few bunches of 22 roses, all pink of course, and this little old lady, petite like you, came up to me saying how much she loved pink roses, she was kind, loving and beautiful, she was right in my face like we knew each other forever, She asked to smell the roses that I had picked, then said the other bouquet was prettier and I should get them instead...so I did, in my own little way I thought that maybe she was an angel brought to me from you.

Every day hurts more without you, my heart is so heavy, it's all I've got not to spend my days a total mess. I never thought I'd spend my days carrying around your urn instead of hanging out looking into your beautiful brown eyes. I never thought I'd spend your birthday with you "in an urn" hanging on to you as tight as I can.

You were taken from me too soon, you didn't get a chance to really live your life and see the world. So, I'm going to start taking road trips and sprinkle a few of your ashes every where we go. Just a few, because if I didn't have you to take with me where ever I go, I don't know how I'd survive.

I love you my daughter. I wish you were here with me, I wish you were here to see your baby girl, she is so beautiful, just like you.

Yesterday, we all went to Nail Art; me, Camille, Tiffany and Isabella went to get our nails and toes done.

Isabella was sitting in a huge pedicure chair, with " three" people working on her nails and toes, just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. It was the cutest thing in the world. She misses you so much.

My life is over, I will never view life the same, I think all of my kids are wonderful and beautiful and love them more than life, but I can't seem to find any other beauty or pleasure in the world.

This morning we watched 13 going on 30, and her mother told her that someday she'd be 30, I just died, realizing that you will never be 30. I will never get a chance to share the rest of my life with you and I can't bare that.

Yesterday someone told me that I was blessed because I get Isabella once a week. I can't imagine how anyone could possibly consider even a portion of my life as blessed. I will never be blessed since I don't have my beautiful baby girl with me, and in terms of Isabella, how I have gone from raising her with you to now having her once a week, makes my life even more difficult and torturous. I know your suicide note said to take care of her for you, but I don't think you realized that once you left this world, Isabella automatically went to Gregg.

I miss you, I love you, you are my entire world, I can't wait until the day I see you again. Love Your Mommy

 

 

I remember one of the first days after we started being "roomies" I came home and saw pieces of your beautiful platnum hair on the floor...I must have had the most horrified look on my face because as soon as you saw me, you laughed at me and explained that they were extensions...I knew that--I swear, lol...later you showed me how you glued them into your hair and when you found out I was going on a date or something you MADE me put on makeup....you sat me down in that chair in front of your mirror and put make up all over me--foundation, LOADS of mascara...you did my hair...you told me I looked gorgeous--and when I looked in the mirror, I thought so too ;)  You always made me feel sooo beautiful!  You had that way about you--to make everyone around you feel so beautiful...you always did everything you could to make sure everyone you encountered felt valued and beautiful...  the funny thing is, I remember that entire afternoon, getting ready for that date...but I don't even remember who the guy was! 

My Beautiful Baby Girl,

Today is your baby girl's birthday. I just talked to her. She is very excited that she is now four years old. I am picking her up from Greg's house in the next few hours.

As always, you are all over the house and she will be spending her birthday with you as well. I know you are here with us, let us know, give us a sign, I know you can do something special for Isabella's birthday to let us know you're here.

You never thought you were a good mother, that is not true, you were an excellent mother. You gave all that you had. Every day you did something for her to make sure she was having fun, to make sure she knew that she was your world and to make sure that she knew how much you loved her. Please understand what all of these killer drugs were doing to you "before" you actually took your life, they were eating away at you and your brain, they were poisoning you, they were slowly torturing you and your brain until they finally killed you. It's hard to be the best mother or the best of anything with the slow demise you were living.

It's now all so clear, any unusual behavior you exhibited at times, it was never you, not at all, it was the drugs. Whenever you felt you couldn't be the best mother, it's because you couldn't act as you normally would with a clear and concise brain, but please know that you "were" the best mother, the drugs were making your brain crazy and unclear. I know my baby girl, I know the true you, I know your heart and I know your soul; I also know how much you love your baby girl. You were a "superb" mother.

Isabella misses you so much. She sings songs about you, tells stories about  you. Some how, some way, she always finds a way to get you in her conversation. We always tell her how much you love her. We never will stop talking to her about you and keeping you strong in her life.

I love you so much my gorgeous baby,..........know that mommy loves you !!

 

MY DARLING SARINA,,,,,,,SO MANY MEMORIES  HAVE BEEN FLOODING MY MIND ALL DAY I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO0 START.....TOMORROW IS ISABELLA'S 4TH BIRTHDAY,,,,,,,,,I WAS THERE WHEN YOU WERE BORN, AND AT YOUR SIDE WHEN ISABELLA WAS BORN AS WELL. YOU WERE VERY BRAVE AND DID A GREAT JOB OF BIRTHING ISABELLA,THIS BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL.I CAN SEE IT  NOW IN MY MINDS EYE LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY..,,,,,,YOU WERE IN AND OUT OF THE HOSPITAL  SO MANY TIMES TRYING TO  HOLD ON TO ISABELLA UNTIL IT WAS  HER TIME TO BE BORN ,,,YOU CAME HOME  AND HAD TO INJECT YOURSELF MANY TIMES A DAY TO WARD OFF  PREMATURE LABOR,,,,,,BUT YOU DID IT, AND NOW ISABELLA IS A SMART, BEAUTIFUL, HAPPY, LITTLE GIRL.SHE MISSES YOU SO MUCH,,,, I FOUND A PINK FRAME  THAT SAYS "MOMMY" ON TOP I'M GOING TO PUT A PICTURE OF YOU AND ISABELLA IN IT FOR HER ROOM,,I MADE HER A CARROT CAKE FOR HER BIRTHDAY, PRESTON IS ALSO GOING TO CELEBRATE HIS 1ST BIRTHDAY WITH ISABELLA TOMORROW,,,,,,IT  WILL BE SO HARD TO  GET THROUGH THESE DAYS WITHOUT YOU,,,,I ALWAYS TOLD YOU HOW SPECIAL YOU WERE TO ME, HOW SMART YOU WERE,AND THAT YOU COULD BE ANYTHING YOU  WANTED TO BE,,,,,I WILL MISS YOU FOR THE REST OF MY DAYS, AND LOVE YOU FOREVER,,,,,,,I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE NOT HERE, MY MIND CAN'T FATHOM IT,,MY LOVE  IS WITH YOU TODAY AND ALWAYS, NANA

My Beautiful Baby Girl,

I was in the bathtub, looking at just one of the huge shrine's I have for you and your pictures wallpapered all over the wall; and I was thinking about when we were in the house on La Paz. It was the day after I had my surgery. I was sore, I was bruised, I could barely move...and you gave me a bath, didn't think twice, just starting taking care of me.

You have always been such a wonderful daughter. You always looked out for me and tried to help me.

When I was having stomach problems, you would go out and run all my errands and then come home with chocolate for me.

When I got too busy and overwhelmed with my Real Estate schedule, you would do anything you could to help me get organized and be my assistant.

Very often you would call and say you were picking up dinner, my choice, any restaurant, any type of food, any cost.

Most of the time, it wound up being Chinese or Mexican, that must be why that is almost all I ate the first few weeks after you left me.

The last restaurant we were at together was the Gardunio's on 4th street, it was just a few weeks before I lost you.

You were always offering to babysit the boys so I could escape.

You would always call me from whatever store you were at to see what I needed or wanted. You would do the same when you went to the mall.  You would bring me home fancy designer stuff, since that 's all you bought.

If you knew we were stressing over money, you'd stick some in front of me and run out the door.

You would always help me stay on track with my diet because you knew how bad I wanted it.

You would always answer the phone for two seconds, no matter what you were doing, even if you were sleeping, to say "Hello, I'm okay, I love you mommy".

You "always" offered to help cook and clean, even though you really didn't want to, but you always offered.

You also offered to help put groceries away, and in between you would grab the goodies, open and start eating as we were putting things away. It's almost like we had a little party every time we got home from shopping.

"Every day" you either thanked me for helping you with Isabella or mentioned what a wonderful job I've done with her. Even as her mother, you never failed to give me all the credit for her.

Thank you for the joy you brought into my life, Thank you for 21 years of happiness, Thank you for being such a loving and beautiful daughter.....

I love you !!

 

 

 

My Beautiful Baby Girl,

I miss your footsteps. I miss hearing your high heels click through the entire house; all the way from your bedroom/guest house to our huge mirror so you can see yourself from head to toe before you go out.

You would make certain you looked absolutely perfect; which of course you did, then you would come to see me and confirm you looked absolutely perfect. You would gently blow in my face and make certain your breath was minty, then you would have me spray the back of your hair. Then I'd hear you walking all the way back to your bedroom and eventually to the front door to leave.

I would wait all night to hear your footsteps come home so I knew you were safe and sound, home with your mommy where I could protect you. Sometimes I would get up when I heard you and we'd hang out together in the middle of the night all by ourselves. It was the only time we could be totally alone and not have any distractions. I would rub your feet and always tell you that they are truly the most beautiful feet in the entire world.

Remember the man on the plane? You were flying home one day, had on your flip flops and he was staring at your feet the entire time, and before you landed he said that he had to tell you that you had the prettiest feet he's ever seen.

I miss you, I miss your footsteps, I miss your feet, I miss your sparkling smile, I miss finding blond hair all over my house, I miss getting texts all day and all night saying "I love you mommy". I miss getting phone calls from you all day, I miss getting calls in the middle of the night that you need me, I miss seeing you in the morning with your makeup still perfectly in place, I miss watching you go out to the store in your pajamas because you didn't care what anyone thought, I miss having you sit and watch me cook, I miss you walking through the door with a different hairstyle or hair color, I miss you walking through the door with bags of junk food to feed 10 people. I miss watching movies with you, I miss talking our girl talk, I miss the way you loved me,...............I miss everything about you.

My Beautiful Baby Girl,

It's two days before your baby girl's birthday. I was looking at pictures tonight and all of the sudden it just struck me, Schlotzsky's. Remember numerous times throughout your pregnancy, you were in the hospital on bed rest and we would come every day to see you for a few hours and bring Schlotzsky's. I was afraid Isabella would be born with Sourdough buns. But when she was born, all I could say was "stunning", she was absolutely stunning.

Sarina, you sacriced yourself for your baby even before she was born. The doctor let it be your decision as to whether you wanted to be extra cautious and spend your bed rest in the hospital, and you did it. You were uncomfortable, lonely and homesick, yet you still stayed until they told you that you were out of hot water and all was well.

I am so proud of you for so many reasons, and one is the way you chose to forego what you wanted so you could take care of Isabella.
I found her ultra-sound picture the other day, I remember every single detail about your pregnancy and about your birth. You were truly a glowing and beautiful pregnant woman.

You would sit all day and watch the food channel, simply salivating at all the different dishes that were being made all day. I've never seen such a tiny person each like you did during your pregnancy.

Then when you were full, which wasnt' very often, you would switch over the the Baby and Prenancy shows. I was so impressed that you wanted to know everything you could.

I also found a picture of when you were pregnant. You had a tight tank top on witih your entire stomach sticking out from under it and your sweatpants "under" your stomach, it's one of the cutest pictures I have of you.

Today, we were going through all of Isabella's toys and getting some organization, I've never seen a child at her age with so many hundreds of toys; they literally take up an entire room. You were always buying her wonderful things to make her happy, taking her to the "old" Chuck E. Cheese, never would you dare take her to the new one; as the toys weren't as much fun. I have many pictures of you with her at Chuck E. Cheese.

I was thinking about having her party there this year, but I don't think I can handle it. As it is, whenever I take the boys, I drive into the parking lot and know the exact spot that you were parked in when you were unloading your jeep for her birthday last year. You had tons of stuff for her, that you did all by yourself and I was so proud of you. And when we go inside, I see the exact table we were sitting at, the games you and I hung out at, talking while the kids played.

My memories are so vivid.

My baby, I think about you all day, not a minute goes by that you are not the center of my attention. Every conversation goes back to you, every thought and every action.

I am working so hard to get your Voice Heard, just like I promised you the day after you died. I still can't believe I have to use that word in reference to you. It just doesn't seem real. I ache for you every second of the day. My body actually hurts and I don't know what to do, I feel like I need to go someplace or do something because I can't stand being where I'm at and doing what I'm doing, feeling the way I am. I know whereever I go and whatever I do, the fact still remains that you are gone forever. But I just can't accept that.

Your urn has gone from the Shrine sitting on a table with candles around it, to my desk during the day. I keep you right next to me at all times. I never want to be without you. When I go upstairs at night, I take you with me and hold you in my arms to watch TV, light all the candles in the room and hang out with my  baby. When I go to sleep, you rest on the nightstand in my room where you remain until I take you downstairs with me in the morning.

I miss you so much my baby girl, I really don't know how I'm living without you. When another day comes and goes, I'm amazined that I've made it through again. You will always be my Beautiful Baby Girl.

Last week was Preston's bday and I started thinking about when he was born. You were with me almost the entire time at the hospital. When it finally was time for you to leave, you made sure to come back to visit after he was born. I remember you brought me pink roses because you let Isabella pick them out. You were always there for me...I am sorry I wasn't there for you more. I miss you and love you so much!

MY DARLING SARINA,,,,,,,,,,,,,AS I WAS SITIING QUIETLY WITH PAPA TONIGHT, ALL OF A SUDDEN THE SWEETEST MEMORY CAME TO MIND,,,, THROUGH MY TEARS.....,,,,I'M SURE IT WAS MOMS HOUSE ON RIDGECREST,THE ONE WITH THE HUGE INDOOR  POOL,,,REMEMBER, YOU HAD YOUR OWN CUTE LITTLE APARTMENT  IN THE BACK OF THE HOUSE,,,,,,,,,IT IS SO VIVED  IN MY MIND,,,,LIKE A MOVIE PICTURE,,,,,WE HAD JUST ARRIVED, I  WAS IN THE KITCHEN PUTTING  FOOD I HAD BROUGHT ON THE COUNTER..... HUGGING,AND KISSING EVERYONE HELLO ,,,,,,,WHEN AFTER A FEW MINUTES, I FELT THIS TUGGING AT MY CLOTHES,I LOOK DOWN TO SEE YOUR BEAUTIFUL  LITTLE BLOND BABY GIRL  ISABELLA,LOOKING UP AT ME,WAITING  FOR ME TO ACKNOWLEDGE HER,,,,WITH THE SWEETEST LOOK ON HER FACE....... AN EXPRESSION THAT IS ENGRAVED IN MY MIND FOREVER,,,,,OF COURSE I IMMEDITAELY PICKED HER UP, AND KISSED HER ALL OVER,,,,,,,,,,,,,I BELIEVE SHE MUST HAVE BEEN ABOUT 3 YEARS OLD .,......ISABELLA, NANA  WRITES THIS  MEMORY FOR YOU,,,,,,,,,SO AS YOU GROW OLDER AND CAN READ  ALL OF THESE BEAUTIFUL MEMORIES  YOURSELF,YOU WILL KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU, AND MISS YOU........YOUR MOMMY SARINA WOULD BRING  YOU TO MY HOUSE VERY OFTEN,YOU LOVED ME TO MAKE YOU TUNA SALAD, AND OFTEN WOULD REQUEST IT,,,,ONE DAY YOUR MOMMY CALLED ME AND SAID YOU WERE ASKING FOR ME,OF COURSE I WAS THRILLED YOU WERE THINKING OF ME.........WELL WHEN YOU GOT ON THE PHONE,YOU  SAID "NANA WILL YOU MAKE ME A TUNA SALAD" YOUR MOMMY GOT ON THE PHONE AND SAID NO WONDER SHE WANTED TO COME OVER TO SEE YOU,WE ALL LAUGHED, THAT WAS SO CUTE,,,,,ISABELLA, YOUR MOMMY LOVES YOU VERY MUCH,AS WE ALL DO,,,,,,,,YOU ARE A VERY SPECIAL LITTLE GIRL WHO WILL  BE 4 YEARS OLD  IN 11 DAYS JAN,25, 2008,,,,,,A DAY BEFORE  YOUR MOMMY'S 22ND BIRTHDAY,,,,JAN.26, 2008,,,,,,SARINA, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, MISS YOU  EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY,,,,,,,,,MY LOVE WILL BE WITH YOU FOREVER,,,,,,,,,, I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR BROKENHEARTED NANA,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,JAN.14TH,2008

My Beautiful Baby Girl,

Today is 77 days that I've had to endure on this earth without you. It's been the worst and hardest thing I've ever had to do. It wasn't supposed to be like this. You were supposed to come home to me when you were having problems like you always did, so I could make it all better.

I was going through all of your belongings last night, I found a picture of you on stage doing a play in Rio Rancho. You had your long golden hair with bangs and white flowers throughout, you looked absolutely beautiful. I was also going through all of your clothes, I remember exactly what you looked like, where we were and what we were doing in each article of clothing you have. My memories will always stay strong and they will always stay alive; I keep them safe and close to my heart where they will remain forever.

I also found that business card that was left by the Fire Inspector. He saw you primping in your rear view mirror at a stop light and then when you parked he left it on your windshield and wrote "Why bother primping? You can't fix perfection". That was so cute that he left that and made you feel so good. But I don't think you truly understood what an amazing and beautiful person you were.

I feel so empty and hopeless without you. I continue to work on my Crusade, Brian and I work day in and day out to get your Voice Heard, we want everyone to know what happened to you. We want everyone to know that "you" didn't do this, the prescription drugs did this. I know you never would have left me, I know that you never would have left your daughter, I know that you understood my life would be over without you and you never would have intentionally let me hurt the way I am. I understand what these medications did to you. 

People just aren't getting it though, or maybe they get it and they just don't care enough to do anything about it. I guess they all think it can't happen to them. I send out all sorts of horrific stories to show them and prove to them what these  medications do to people's brains and their lives and their loved ones; but they say I'm harrassing and should get over it by now.

I will never "get over it", I will never get over you, I will always be your mother and I will always fight to get your Voice heard and to let everyone know what a spectacular daughter, mother and person you were and that "these drugs did this to you".

I love you my gorgeous baby, I love you so much and will die fighting for you.

MY DARLING SARINA,,,,,,,,,I'M FLOODED WITH SO MANY WONDROUS MEMORIES OF YOU TODAY,,,I WAS ALWAYS TAKING VIDEO OF YOU DANCING, SINGING, HOLDING ANYTHING THAT RESEMBLED A MICROPHONE,,,,,,YOU  BROUGHT SO MUCH HAPPINESS INTO MY LIFE,,,,ONE DAY WHEN I'M ABLE I LOOK FORWARD TO  SEEING THOSE VIDEOS AGAIN, AND RELIVING THE FUN WE HAD........YOU WERE ALWAYS A HAPPY LITTLE  GIRL,,,,,,WE WENT TO NEW YORK ONE CHRISTMAS SEASON,,,YOU WERE ABOUT 8  YRS OLD,,,YOU MET WITH ALL YOUR GIRL COUSINS AND DIRECTED  AND WROTE A CUTE SKIT FOR ALL OF YOU  TO PUT ON FOR THE ADULTS..........I REMEMBER  YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO SIT NEXT TO ME AT DINNER,,,THOSE DAYS SEEM SO VERY LONG AGO, YET SO NEAR......YOU COME TO MY REMEMBRANCE ALL THROUGH OUT   THE DAY,,MY LAST WORDS TO YOU THAT SAT WHEN I CALLED YOU AROUND NOON WAS "IF YOU NEED ME, CALL ME"  AND "I LOVE YOU"   YOU KNEW I WAS ALWAYS THERE TO HELP YOU, DO ANYTHING YOU NEEDED........YOUR BABY GIRL MISSES YOU SO MUCH,,,,,,,MY HEART BREAKS FOR HER,,,,,,,,,I LOVE YOU NOW, AND FOREVER, THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE, ,,,,,,TILL  WE MEET AGAIN,,,,,LOVE NANA 

Sarina I never met you but I feel I know you through your mother. She is one of the most wonderful people I know. I am very concerned that she is giving up on all the wonders of life, (raiseing your daughter and brothers). Your daughter is beautiful and you live on in her. Your mother must realize that for Isabella to truly remember you she must also remember you and share her memories with Isabella. Talk with her about her mother and remember the happy times and not repeating your death over and over again. I know you would not want her to live that way. I will help her as much as I can with her crusade. She must realize that these things take time but will happen one day and it will be a beautiful thing and you will not have died in vain, your death will save thousands.

 

 

My Beautiful Baby Girl,

Today is New Years Day, the entire world celebrated last night and this morning. I thought I was going to die. I simply go through each day with such pain and anguish. No one knows the person I've become and I don't care. All I can do is think of you and how much I miss you. I stay alive to take care of your brothers and sisters, but that's the only reason. I want to be with you, I need you near me so bad. I miss your touch, your smile, our conversations, our secret looks, our secret talks and our time together as mother and daughter and as best friends. I am so proud to be your mother and I know that you are proud to be my daughter. We always had that special bond between us and it's like no other. You knew I would always do anything to take care of you, you knew I would drop anything and run to you. I spoke to you minutes before you did this to yourself, why didn't you let me know that you needed me? Why didn't you let me know that you were getting ready to leave me forever? I am nothing without you. I am so empty and miserable. I need a sign from you, I need something from you,..... anything. I need to find a medium to contact you, I just need to get something to know that we are still communication, please give me something.

I love you and miss you so much!!!

My Beautiful Baby Girl,

Christmas came and went without you, it was the worst torture I could possibly imagine. I didn't Celebrate, nor will I ever again. I have absolutely nothing to celebrate. Except you and your life and your birth.

It didn't seem right that the entire world, even our family and friends, were all celebrating, with my daughter being dead. All families everywhere were coming together...and I could never again have my entire family together. I can never again have "all" of my children with me for a holiday. That's why I am removing all Holidays from my life.

I don't know how I got through it, I had doubts for a while that I would. I miss you so much!! I just want to be with you so bad; see your smiling face, talk about everything that we used to, watch Lifetime together, text each other all day, play with Isabella togehter and love each other like we always did.

I love you so much my baby, I love you so very much!!  

I am doing everything in my power to sacrifice myself and continue to prove my love for you. I am doing everything in my power to make certain everyone hears your voice, knows about you and your story. I do nothing else.

People seem to expect me to get better, recover, continue my life, feel better, take care of myself, get some sleep, eat better, get back on my feet.............don't they understand?? My daughter is "dead"!! It's nothing I will recover from or feel better as time goes on. Your are my entire world and I can not live without you!! How am I ever supposed to get through today knowing that I just have to wake up tomorrow to the same pain and anguish?? My life is empty and void, I am nauseas and sick that you will never come back to me.

You will always be my Beautiful Baby Girl, I will forever live "for you",  you will always be the "Wind Beneath My Wings", You will continue to be the inspiration for everything I do in my life. I will never "get over you" or "feel better" about you not being with me. I will mourn you and grieve over you until the day I die.

 

 

MY DARLING SARINA,,,,,,,,IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE MORNING, I MISS YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN EVEN EXPRESS,,,,,,,,,,,,I'M REMEMBERING ALL THE YEARS THAT YOU WOULD COME WITH US TO PICK OUT A CHRISTMAS TREE,,,WE WOULD FIND A LITTLE ONE THAT WOULD  BE YOURS ALONE,,,YOU WERE ALWAYS SO EXCITED,.I FOUND A BEAUTIFUL GOLD ANGEL TO PUT ON TOP OF YOUR  TREE, THEN GAVE IT TO YOU WHEN YOU GREW UP.....CHRISTMAS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME WITHOUT YOU.......I STILL WAKE UP SOME MORNINGS AND CAN'T BELIEVE  YOU'RE NOT HERE,.TOMORROW  MOM IS GOING TO PICK UP ISABELLA, I BOUGHT HER A BIG DORA DOLL WITH A MATCHING BLANKET,,,,,,YOU ALWAYS HAD A DORA VIDEO ON FOR HER,IT'S HER FAVORITE,,........BE IN PEACE, I LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER,NANA 

My Beautiful Baby Girl,

Oh, How much I miss you. I continually think of you and how much love and happiness you brought into my life.

I remember Mother's Day 2002, you put aside you anti-dog feelings and actually went to the pet store and handpicked a dog that you adopted for me.

You were always trying to make me happy and take care of me.

The next Mother's Day, you bought me a horse. You probably would have bought me an Island if you could and if you knew it would have made me happy.

I love you so much, I wll always love you, You will always be my Beautiful Baby Girl -

This morning I put on the striped Ann Taylor shirt you bought me last Christmas when I was pregnant. It is the same shirt you bought for yourself and Tiffany. We were all going to take pictures together after I had the baby, wearing our matching shirts.  I remember you were so excited for us! You were always so generous and loved giving to others.

MY DARLING SARINA........ANOTHER DAY WITHOUT YOU.......A FEW WEEKS AGO THERE YOU WERE AT MY FRONT DOOR CARRYING A BEAUTIFUL BIG BUNCH OF LONG STEM ROSES,,,WITH  YOUR GORGEOUS SMILE,,,,I WAS SO SURPRISED I SAID" WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS" ALL YOU SAID WAS " I WANTED TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT".SARINA YOU KNEW NOTHING COULD EVER   ALIENATE ME FROM YOU...... I LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY.......I HAD THOUGHT ABOUT HANGING THE  ROSES  AFTER THEY HAD DRIED, AS I HAS DONE SO MANY  TIMES BEFORE,,,,,,I REGRET DECIDING NOT TO BECAUSE THEY DRIED IN A STRANGE SHAPE,,,,  HOW I WISH I HAD THOSE ROSES NOW,,,THE LAST THING YOU GAVE ME WITH  YOUR LOVE,,,,,EVERY DAY, EVERY MINUTE,MY MIND COMES BACK TO YOU, AND HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU,NANA

MY DARLING  SARINA.........I REMEMBER THE DAY  YOU WERE BORN,,,,,BEAUTIFUL LONG FINGERS, A GORGEOUS FULL HEAD OF HAIR,,,,,,,YOU WERE PERFECT!!! I LOVED YOU FROM THE MOMENT I SAW YOU,,,,,I HAD THE PRIVILEGE OF SEEING YOU GROW INTO A LIVELY. HAPPY LITTLE GIRL,SINGING, DANCING,LOVING, AFFECTIONATE, AND SPENDING ALOT OF TIME WITH ME,,,,,I REMEMBER THOSE BEAUTIFUL DAYS WITH SUCH A LONGING TO BE WITH YOU AGAIN,,,,TO HUG YOU, TALK TO YOU, LISTEN TO YOU  SHARING WITH ME ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE,,,,,,YOUR BABY GIRL LOVES YOU SO,,,SHE LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE YOU, SHE HAS ALL OF YOUR  MANNERISMS,,,,,ESPECIALLY YOUR "BIG BEAUTIFUL BROWN EYES",,,,,,,I REMEMBER YOU WITH A LOVE THAT WILL NEVER  LEAVE ME,,,,YOU ARE IN MY HEART FOREVER,,,,,,,,I  SEE YOU IN MY MINDS EYE ALL DAY ,AND PRETEND YOU ARE WITH ME,,,,,,,,,,UNTIL I SEE YOU AGAIN, ,,,,,,,,,MY LOVE IS WITH YOU NANA 

I stayed up all night watching Dancing With The Stars with you like we used to.

The only time I'm alone is when everyone else is sleeping and when I'm in the bathtub and I can talk to you.

So, I have set up, yet another Shrine, above and around my bathtub.

The entire wall is wallpapered with pictures from your entire life. I have three of your favorite outfits hanging on the towel rod, There's a large area that outskirts  the tub where I have your Beige Stilettos, your "Coach" purse, a basket with all of your jewelry, your make up mirror, all of your toiletries in that pink flowered box that you've had since you were a little girl; with some locks of your hair extensions over it, and the two last paper cups you ever used; one as your ashtray and one as your water cup.

I wish so bad you were here with me, I miss you so much. Getting through another day seems impossible and I really don't know how I got through yesterday and the last 34 days. My life is nothing without you.

I love you My Beauiful Baby Girl, Your Mommy Loves You -

Wow, I don't even know where to start. Everything now reminds me of you. Reminds me of something we did together or something you told me about.  I remember as kids you would always call me "sister". I use to get so mad at you but now I would do anything to hear you call me that again. I remember our "Secret Explorers Club". We thought we were so cool hiding out in our closet...us 3 sisters. Remember I kicked you out because you started a club with your friends at school!?! I remember playing store in Nana's backyard...the whole thing was a big mall and we even had a circle spot on the concrete where we had our pretend elevetor. I remember playing Barbie's and Mall Madness all day long. We used to make up dance routines to "New Kids on the Block" and "MC Hammer". On several occassions, we actually used a ruler to measure our hair to see who's was longer! I miss our days at the mall, taking the kids to McDonald's, our sushi lunch's, and just hanging out doing what sisters do best...talking and laughing about absolutely nothing. I miss you more and more every day. I love you...."sister".

Today I was thinking about going to get a pedicure and get my nails done, but I wanted to wait and do it with Isabella because you would have wanted it that way. You always treated her like a princess and made certain that your time together was fun and special for her.

So, I will always make sure that Isabella has professionally done nails and toes.

We miss you so much !!

I took the boys to Chuck E. Cheese today, they have had it tough for the last 29 days since I lost you. They needed to get away from the grief for awhile and act like little boys.

I drove up and remembered when we all met there for Isabella's birthday party.

You were in the parking lot with loads and loads of stuff for the party, all by yourself trying to balance everything and hold Isabella's hand. I felt bad that you didn't ask for help preparing for and picking up, but then realized that you wanted to do it all by yourself because this was your party for your baby girl. And you did such an amazing job, I was so proud of you. Everything was beautiful, Isabella looked beautiful, you got her a Birthday button and we hung out, played with kids and enjoyed each other as we always did. I love you so much my beautiful baby girl.

 

The last time I saw Sarina, Camille was in labor, and my goodness that was a long night, I had probably been there for about 4 hours when Sarina showed up - all smiles as usual. Camille was resting so Sarina and I decided it was snack time and we ran around the entire hospital looking for a coke machine - well we never found one and ended up in the cafeteria. We bought a piece of each cake they had and sat around forever with Mom and Nana and laughed and ate cake - when i close my eyes thats how I'll always see you... Laughing